Therapy for Emotional Dependency in Madrid (in English)
If you feel that your wellbeing depends entirely on another person, that you live attuned to their mood, or that losing them would mean losing yourself, you are not broken and you are not "too much": you are caught in a pattern of attachment that was learned and can also be transformed.
I am Alejandro Cabeza, a Health Psychologist (licence M-37719) specialising in EMDR. I support you in understanding where that need for the other comes from, in easing the fear of abandonment, and in restoring a healthy relationship with yourself and those around you.
Do you think it may be related to trauma or past experiences? Read about EMDR therapy.
What emotional dependency is
Emotional dependency is a relational pattern in which a person needs the other in order to feel good, worthy or safe. It is not about loving deeply: it is that your own wellbeing rests in the hands of a partner, a friendship or whatever bond is current. When the other person is close and available there is calm; when they pull away, anguish, emptiness or panic appear. That rollercoaster is exhausting and, little by little, leads us to set aside our own needs, friendships or projects so as not to lose the bond.
Signs that you are experiencing it
- ✓ You need constant approval and find it hard to make decisions without consulting the other.
- ✓ The fear of being left shapes what you say, what you keep quiet, or what you do.
- ✓ You tolerate situations that hurt you so as not to be alone.
- ✓ You live very attuned to the other person's mood.
- ✓ When the relationship falters, you feel your whole life is collapsing.
- ✓ You have abandoned yourself —your plans, your people, your identity— to hold on to the bond.
Recognising yourself in several of these signs does not mean something is wrong with you. It means that your system learned, at some point, that being okay depended on keeping another person close.
Why it is so hard to get out
Emotional dependency is almost never a problem of willpower. It has a lot to do with attachment: the way we learned as children to relate to those who cared for us. If those early bonds were unstable, demanding or unavailable, it is common to develop an anxious attachment, in which the other's closeness feels like the only source of safety. As adults, the fear of abandonment is triggered strongly by any sign of distance, and the body reacts as if it were a real threat. That is why "knowing" that a relationship is not good for us is not enough to let it go: the emotional part keeps running on an old map. These patterns also explain why dependency so often comes up in couples therapy.
How we work on it in therapy
My approach starts from attachment and draws on EMDR. We do not stop at advice on "loving ourselves more": we go to the root. First we understand your history together and which experiences taught your system that you needed the other in order to be safe. Then, with EMDR therapy we integrate those experiences —rejections, abandonments, bonds in which your worth depended on pleasing— so they stop carrying so much charge and triggering fear in the present. As those wounds are processed, the anguish decreases, you regain your own judgement and you begin to choose from freedom rather than from the fear of losing.
In person in Madrid and online
I work with emotional dependency in person in Madrid and also online, with the same effectiveness, so that distance or scheduling are not an obstacle to starting to take care of yourself. I have over 7 years of clinical experience in Spain and in Massachusetts (USA) and I specialise in EMDR, trauma and attachment. You can learn about my background before taking the first step.
Frequently asked questions
Can emotional dependency be overcome?
Yes. It is not a fixed personality trait but a way of bonding that was learned and can be transformed. By working on attachment and the experiences that sustain it, you learn to feel well with yourself and to have healthier relationships.
How long does therapy take?
It depends on each person and their history. After the first assessment sessions I give you a realistic estimate. It is usually a process of several months, because we work on the root and not just the symptoms.
Is it the same as loving someone deeply?
No. To love is to choose to be with someone freely; dependency is needing the other to ease distress and the fear of abandonment. In dependency, losing the relationship feels like losing yourself.
Can therapy be online?
Yes, I offer online sessions that are just as effective as in-person ones, so that distance or scheduling are never an obstacle.