How to leave a toxic relationship: signs, attachment and first steps

As human beings, we have needs for intimacy, socialising, belonging and connection. We come into the world equipped with a survival and attachment system that, in adult life, can lead us to hold on to relationships that are neither healthy nor adaptive. If you've found your way here, you probably sense that something in your relationship isn't right and you're wondering how to get out. In this article I'll help you recognise the signs, understand why it's so hard to walk away and take the first steps.

What a toxic relationship is

We talk about a toxic relationship when the bond, over time, takes more from us than it gives: it wears down your self-esteem, creates constant discomfort and pulls you away from who you are. There don't have to be shouting matches or big dramas; often the toxicity lives in the quiet imbalance: one person controls and the other gives in, one sets the rules and the other adapts so as not to lose the bond. The point isn't to label anyone, but to look honestly at how that relationship makes you feel.

Signs of a toxic relationship

You don't have to tick every box. If you see yourself in several of these, it's worth stopping to look:

• ✓ Your needs are almost never seen or taken into account.
• ✓ You walk on eggshells to avoid sparking conflict.
• ✓ You justify behaviour you'd never accept from a friend.
• ✓ Your self-esteem depends on the other person's approval.
• ✓ There's a constant imbalance: one controls, the other gives in.
• ✓ You feel worse about yourself since you've been in this relationship.
• ✓ You've set aside friendships, hobbies or plans that mattered to you.

Why it's so hard to leave: the role of attachment

This is the question that comes up most often in sessions: "if I know it's hurting me, why don't I leave?". The answer has nothing to do with intelligence or willpower. When the bond becomes linked to survival, leaving it feels almost like a threat, even when the relationship is hurting us. The body confuses what's "familiar" with what's "safe", and that's why so many people stay.

On top of this comes our attachment pattern. Someone who grew up with intermittent or unreliable care often develops an insecure attachment that, in adulthood, translates into a fear of abandonment and an emotional dependency that keeps them tied to the bond. I go deeper into this mechanism in the article on insecure attachment and relationships that hurt us.

Steps to leave a toxic relationship

Leaving usually isn't a single act, but a process. These are some of the steps we tend to begin with:

1. Identify how you feel in the relationship, not just how the other person behaves. Put a name to what you notice: anxiety, emptiness, fear, relief when they're not around.
2. Become aware of where you stand. Recognising the position you put yourself in —the one who gives in, the one who justifies, the one who disappears— is the first step to changing it.
3. Reconnect with your support network. Reach out again to friends, family or people you trust, the ones you may have drifted away from.
4. Put the focus on your own needs. It isn't selfishness: it's the beginning of more balanced relationships.
5. Seek support and don't do it alone. However hard it is to end a bond, you don't have to go through it on your own.

When to ask for help

It's a good idea to seek professional help when you feel the pattern keeps repeating, that you can't get out even though you know it's hurting you, or when control, fear or aggression appear. Asking for help isn't a sign of weakness: it's a way of caring for yourself.

If your safety is at risk, you're not alone. In Spain you can call the free, confidential helpline 016, available 24 hours a day, which leaves no trace on your phone bill.

How therapy can help

The pattern that keeps you in relationships that hurt you isn't a life sentence: it can be understood and repaired. In therapy for emotional dependency we work to understand where your way of bonding comes from and to build healthier relationships. When there are painful or traumatic experiences underneath, EMDR therapy helps to process those memories and ease their weight, so they stop shaping the way you relate to others today. As a psychologist and EMDR specialist, I'll walk alongside you in this process at your own pace.