The grief that returns on special dates: anniversaries, autumn and All Souls' Day

By Alejandro Cabeza · Health Psychologist (Reg. no. M-37719) Updated on June 22, 2026

October arrives and something inside you tightens. Maybe you can't quite name it: you feel more sensitive, you sleep worse, you cry over a song in the car, or a sadness you thought you had moved past washes over you. And then it dawns on you: the date is getting close. The anniversary of that death, the birthday you no longer celebrate, All Souls' Day. If the grief comes back at certain times of year, you are not going backwards or "doing it wrong". Your body and your memory are doing something deeply human. In this article I want to help you understand why it happens and, above all, how to care for yourself when the calendar weighs heavy.

Why grief returns on certain dates

Grief doesn't move in a straight line. It moves in a spiral: you pass through the same emotional places again, though each time from a different height. That's why a loss that seemed settled can suddenly flare up months or years later.

There is a well-known phenomenon called the anniversary reaction: as the date of the death approaches, the birthday of the person who is no longer here, or the time of year when it all happened, feelings you thought were behind you resurface. Sadness, anxiety, irritability, insomnia, a tightness in the chest. Your mind keeps count even when you would rather it didn't.

This is not a flaw. It is emotional memory: the body links a smell, a light, a temperature or a day on the calendar with what you went through. When those cues reappear, they awaken the emotion that stayed stored away. In our work with EMDR therapy we often see how those memories get etched into the body and reactivate in the face of a specific trigger.

Autumn and All Souls' Day: when everything pushes inward

It's no coincidence that many people notice their grief intensifies in autumn. The days grow shorter, there is less light, the temperature drops and the social rhythm winds down. Everything around you invites you to withdraw, to turn inward. And turning inward, when there is an absence, hurts.

On top of this comes All Souls' Day (1 and 2 November): a date that culturally places us, all at once, before our dead. The visits to the cemetery, the flowers, the family conversations… Even though they are rituals of care, they also stir things up. They put right in front of you, explicitly, what you sidestep the rest of the year in order to keep going.

And if the loss happened during these months, autumn becomes a double trigger: the season and the anniversary overlap, and the intensity multiplies.

Signs the date is affecting you (even if you don't connect it)

Often the body sounds the alarm before the head does. You can spend weeks feeling off without knowing why, until you look at the calendar.

Pay attention if, at these times, you notice: sadness that appears without a clear trigger, more anxiety or irritability, trouble sleeping, tiredness that rest doesn't lift, the urge to isolate yourself, or a sense of unreality, as if you were back in that moment.

Connecting these symptoms to the date is freeing: it stops being an unexplained discomfort and starts to make sense. And what makes sense can be accompanied.

How to get through those special dates

• ✓ Anticipate it: mark the date on your calendar instead of pretending it isn't coming. Knowing those days will be hard lets you prepare rather than be caught off guard.
• ✓ Don't demand that you feel fine: give yourself permission to feel low, to cry or to need to stop. It isn't a setback, it's part of the process.
• ✓ Create a ritual of your own: light a candle, write a letter, listen to their music, cook their favourite dish. Giving the emotion an outlet orders it and honours it.
• ✓ Surround yourself with people who understand: share the date with someone who respects it. You don't have to spend the day alone if you don't want to.
• ✓ Tend to the basics: rest, food, a little movement and natural light. The body holds up the mind when the mind falters.
• ✓ Set limits: if a gathering or a visit overwhelms you, you can cut it short or not go. Caring for yourself also means saying no.

How therapy helps

Sometimes, no matter how well you care for yourself, the date breaks you year after year and the pain finds no way out. That's where therapy makes the difference: not to erase the loss or to speed up the grief, but to help you move through it without being dragged down. As a psychologist, I accompany you in putting words to what you feel, understanding your triggers and regaining room to breathe in your day-to-day life.

When grief stays trapped in the body and reactivates with each anniversary, approaches like EMDR therapy help you process that painful memory so it weighs less. And a space of individual therapy offers you a safe, unhurried place to work through the absence at your own pace. Therapy guides and accompanies; it does not replace your process, it supports it.

If the wound reopens every autumn, you don't have to go through it alone: I'm here to walk it with you.

This article is for informational purposes only and does not replace personalized psychological care. If you think you need help, you can book a session. If you are in a crisis situation, call 024 (suicide helpline in Spain) or 112.