Anger for no apparent reason: why you get irritated and where it comes from

You get angry, you snap or you feel irritated easily and then you think: why did I react like that when it wasn't that big a deal?. That anger "for no reason" almost always has a reason; it just comes from further back than it seems. Here I explain where those reactions come from and how to reshape them so you don't take it out on the people closest to you.

Where the reactions you can't control come from

Emotional development happens in the first years of life. As children we learn responses to protect ourselves and to fit into our family relationships, and those responses stay with us when, as adults, the context has already changed. Sometimes they aren't the most adaptive ones, but that doesn't make them any less important: at the time, they served us well.

That's why a small comment can set off a big reaction in you. It's not that you "have a bad temper": it's that something in the present touches an old nerve, and your body responds with the intensity of back then.

Anger often covers up another emotion

Anger is often a surface emotion: underneath there's fear, pain, frustration or the feeling of not being taken into account. Getting angry is quicker and less vulnerable than acknowledging all of that. That's why learning to look at what lies beneath the anger is where change begins.

How to reshape your reactions

• ✓ Give yourself a second before responding: name what you feel ("I'm irritated", "I felt ignored").
• ✓ Express yourself instead of exploding: say what you need, not just what bothers you.
• ✓ Reposition your main bonds in a healthier place, so you can keep enjoying the people who matter to you.
• ✓ Look at the origin: if the same anger keeps coming back, there's usually a history behind it that's worth working through.

How therapy helps

In individual therapy we work to understand what lies beneath your anger and where it comes from, so you stop reacting on autopilot. When those responses were learned through painful experiences, EMDR therapy helps reduce their charge, so they stop getting triggered so easily. I'm here to walk with you through that process, at your own pace.