The rescuer game: power roles in a relationship and how to balance them

Power is present in every relationship between people, and your couple is no exception. It isn't good or bad in itself: what matters is being aware of which roles we're taking on and whether they actually help us keep the relationship healthy. Here I want to talk to you about the "rescuer game" and about how to return to an adult-to-adult relationship.

The rescuer game (and other roles)

Sometimes, without realizing it, we settle into a fixed part in the relationship: the one who rescues and takes care of everything, the one who places themselves as the victim, or the one who controls. These roles can give a sense of safety or usefulness, but when they turn rigid they unbalance the couple and wear the bond down.

Why we end up there

We tend to repeat the role we once learned to play in order to feel safe or loved. Taking care of the other person to the point of erasing yourself, for example, can be a way of making sure the bond stays. That's why it's worth asking yourself: why do I position myself like this with my partner, or why did I do it in past relationships?

Returning to an adult-to-adult relationship

• ✓ Talk about it: simply putting the topic of power and roles on the table already shifts the dynamic.
• ✓ Look at your part: what you gain and what you lose by placing yourself there.
• ✓ Share responsibility and care, instead of always letting them fall on the same person.
• ✓ Connect from equality, not from rescuing or controlling.

How therapy helps

In couples therapy we create a neutral space to see which roles the two of you are taking on and to rebalance them, so the relationship can work adult to adult. When those patterns come from older experiences, EMDR therapy helps you let them go. I'm here to walk that process with you.