Trauma and defenses: from narcissism to submission

When we go through a traumatic event, the mind develops defenses to protect us from the pain. They are not a flaw: they are the way the psyche found to survive. The problem is that those defenses, useful at the time, can become locked in place and shape how we relate to others for years.

Two extremes of the same wound

The defenses that follow a trauma can range from a dominant, narcissistic personality to submission. They seem like opposites, yet they often spring from the same place: the fear of feeling vulnerable or worthless again. The person who protects themselves by controlling and belittling others, and the person who protects themselves by disappearing so as not to be a bother, share one root: they learned that showing themselves as they truly were did not feel safe.

How these defenses show up day to day

• ✓ Dominant defense: a need to be right, difficulty empathizing, controlling the relationship.
• ✓ Submissive defense: over-pleasing, fear of conflict, difficulty saying no.
• ✓ In both cases: your own emotions get hidden or denied.
• ✓ Unbalanced relationships, where one person imposes and the other gives in.

The key question: are your needs being seen?

Beyond labels, there is something very concrete worth noticing in any relationship: are your needs seen and taken into account? If you live with a narcissistic partner, or if you are the one who tends to disappear, that imbalance takes a toll on your self-esteem and your wellbeing. Recognizing it isn't about blaming anyone: it is the first step toward being able to change it —something closely tied to the attachment style with which we learned to bond.

How therapy helps

Defenses are not fought head-on: they are understood and transformed. In individual therapy we work to understand what they protected you from and what you need today so you no longer have to rely on them. When there is a trauma at the root, EMDR therapy —endorsed by the WHO— helps process the memory and ease its emotional charge, so you stop reacting from the wound and begin relating from a freer, safer place.